Hour One: A Conversation Between Uncle Ben and Cousin Tim
The following takes place between 11:00 AM and noon, Sunday, March 22.
(Sound effects) - Clink, clink, clink
Ben Bernanke: "Hello, Tim, this is Ben."
Tim Geithner: "Ben who?"
"Ben Bernanke Tim, Ben Bernanke."
"How are you Ben? How is your bracket doing, Ben. You know, I am a public official and all, but we actually have a little pool going and...."
"Tim, we need to talk. About the banks?"
"Which banks, Ben? All of them, some of them - I mean, there are a lot of them."
"The big ones, the big ones creating systemic risk to the world economy. Those banks Tim."
A pause and a cough. "OK, Ben, but you know, I am unveiling my plan tomorrow at noon and ...."
"That is why I am calling. We are running out of time to fix this and your plan is not going to do it."
Another pause. "Well, I know that. But I have to do something, you know."
"Well, I have a plan that will work and we can get it all approved in the next 24 hours if we work together."
A pause. "OK, Ben, I am listening. But remember, Treasury is gonna be broke soon and..."
"Sh, Tim, shhh."
"OK."
"First, you give me, the Fed I mean, the last $250 billion left in the TARP."
"Why would I do that Ben? I told you, once I unveil my new plan I am going..."
"Focus, Tim, focus. Make believe this is a new plan. Remember?"
"Sure, Ben, sure."
A pause. "Now, you give me the last $250 billion. By statute, you can. The Street loved the $1.2 trillion I created last week, this will give me the ability to create another three trillion."
Some silence. "That's a lot of money Ben."
"Yes, I know. Anyway, you give me the rest of the TARP and I turn around and create three trillion dollars. I then lend part of this money to the banks against their AAA rated assets. And then you provide the same guarantees to the banks you have provided for Citigroup on their less than AAA rated assets, that won't cost us any money for a couple of years and boom!, the banks' assets are now all AAA rated and I can buy as much of them as I want."
Silence. "Is this legal?"
"Yes, we both have the authority to this now."
"What about Barney Frank and all those guys who yell at me all the time. I mean I get headaches. Do you know how bad those headaches are, Ben? I mean..."
"Please, Tim, focus. We will keep Congress informed of everything, they will love we are not asking them for more money right now. Now, in return for the guarantees every asset you are guaranteeing gets put in an escrow account. After that..."
"A what, an escrow account?"
"Like when you buy a house, where the money goes during closing."
"I am not buying a house, I like the one I am living in right now. Well, sure, I know what you mean."
"Yes. Anyway, the assets you have guaranteed go in there. No more toxic assets but we have not spent any money. And as these assets mature or are impaired, over time, they get written down by the banks. Payments on loans to these assets go into the escrow account as a reserve against losses."
Silence. "Is all this legal?"
"I can set it up - we have the authority - you have the authority to make the guarantees. Anyway, no need to change mark to market..."
"Mark to what?"
"The mark to market accounting rules that..."
"I know what they are Ben. The game just started and I couldn't hear you well. It's a team in blue and a team in white and my bracket is all teams with primary colors. And blue just got the ball, I got distracted."
"As I said Tim, focus, we can do this and we are running out of time. You know what will happen next?"
"Uh, halftime?"
"No. With the cash I give the banks, lend them, they will pay back the TARP funs they received from Treasury."
"Why would they do that?"
"So they can collect as much bonus money as they want."
"Ah, that makes sense. First thing I think you have said I really do understand, you know when I was the Fed we always argued with management - I mean you, my ex-boss" there is a snicker into the phone "that we wanted bonuses too. I mean..."
"Tim, please. The banks pay you back. You give me that money and I multiply again by twelve and we have more than enough money to re-capitalize the banks and take care of some of the European banks that are going to fail through their central banks."
"Is that legal?"
A pause. "It is not illegal. Besides, I already loaned them half a trillion, I called them swaps, who is going to stop me now?"
Another pause. "Tell me again why are we doing this?"
A sigh. "First, to end the systemic problems in the credit markets. Save the economy, that sort of thing?"
"Yeah, sure. I use those bullet points all the time, you don't need to repeat back to me what I probably told you. What other reasons my friend?"
"If we do this - when we do this - it gets me back into banking and out of regulating these guys. It gives you the time and support on the Hill you need to draw up new rules and regulate the hell out of them, just like you have always wanted."
"That would be fun. And I still get to go to those meetings in the big rooms with the flat panels and the free food. You know, Bear always had the best food, they used to have bagels..."
"Let's focus on next steps Tim, OK, You get to do your old job - stimulate the economy and regulate banks; I get to do my old job - work in the credit markets and with banks. And we get to get things rolling again without asking Congress for more money they will not give us."
"Give me, Ben, give me. And Treasury. I give you money, don't forget that."
"That is why I called Tim. I need you to ditch your plan and announce this tomorrow. I have set up an appointment at the White House, one on the Hill and another with the big banks for the rest of today."
A pause. "But I still have five teams playing today Ben. Nice colors too. I mean, today? I already have the press conference scheduled but that is a day from now and can't we do this over a big breakfast, one at the Mayflower, they serve these great omelets..."
"Back to the point at hand. Tim, please. No, the politics here are daunting. We need to work this through everyone and get everyone to buy in."
"God, I hate politics. Its like who you are is as important as what you say and what you do. Can you imagine?" A sound of glass being smashed is heard on the line. "Are you all right Ben?"
"Yes, I am fine Tim. So, can we get together, now?"
"Can I watch the games at the same time?"
"Yes."
"I will be over soon."
"Good, Tim, because we are running out of time."